"I know you don't mean to be mean to me
'Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong
We belong
Lately you make me feel all I am is a back-up plan
I say I'm done and then you smile at me and I forget
Everything I said

I buy into those eyes
And into your lies

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't

I wish you were where you're supposed to be
Close to me
But here I am just staring at this candle burning out

And still no sound

Of footsteps on my stairs
Or your voice anywhere

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't"

I love this song.

Currently Listening Carnival Ride By Carrie Underwood Twisted see related

So very productive today. I washed the car...there was lots of bubbles...and I laughed alot with Kim. Great story of today...

I was helping Kim run lines and getting lunch for my famished stomach. I ate a delicious ham sandwich with warm mozarella and then waited for my soup to cool. A few seconds later, we realized that we had to go get Julie so I left my soup and ran out the door....After dropping Julie off at work, we arrive home and I find my soup eaten! And then I see my dad drive by the back door on the mower. Kim looks at me and says, "Never leave anything out that you want when Dad's around."

Currently Listening Waking Up By Bethany Dillon Waking Up see related

so now...

totally lack of motivation...I never procrasinated and now I'm doing it just because I can. It's like a poison that has seeped into my life. Oh well, can't blame everything on everything or everyone else. (if that made sense.)

So, I ask for excitement. They say it's a stage I'm in right now, I seem to bore easily very quickly. I was reading something that said, that a person will put noise in their life because they are trying to hide from how they truly feel. I always thought I was very open in how I feel? Have I been fooling myself?

You know that little pooch of fat every girl...except for the skinny-minnys...has. I wish that would go away.

I'm kind of rambling, but I have time to waste...I'm just waiting for something to happen.

Maybe I'm waiting for nothing, something that will never happen.

Why do I wish for the things I can't have? Why can't I wish for the things that I know will uphold me? A renewed relationship with the Father. What happened to waking up and saying that it still felt good to see Your face. Lord, I have the wrong eyes. Put your eyes on me so I don't have to see any of this. So I can see what will truly help me. Why can't I set my gaze on that. Why do I fear that You will not give me what I ask? I know I sound like a child but could You give me just a little something...but I guess that's my fault for not walking with You. (Because YOU are the little something I need.) But you know me, I never walk with the ones I'm hiking with, I move ahead and search out things not seen before. Can You be the thing that I have not seen before?

"I believe You are good and righteous. You've given me Your reckless love. So be near, be near me. Is it alright if I stay here all night by the shore line? I can not believe You are angry or unjust, you have done nothing but have compassion on us. So be near...when I've given up. Be near me."

I don't want to be dramatic, though I have a sense for such a thing, but I want You to know how I'm feeling. And I guess that I have to let go of my dreams. My dreams of falling in love, of serving someone, of...having a baby. Of being the best actress, of being the savior for everyone...of being the savior for him. Of seeing someone being drastically obviously that they want me just for who I am and not what I can do or who I could be or who I can be. I'm just so afraid that You will take all that away from me and never give it back. Will I be without a physical companion forever?

"Surrender, Surrender. You whisper gently. Clutching tightly...not one has fallen..."

"How far down do you want me to go. You don't know the sadness of this place, You've got the angels and the saints so give me back my love. Don't you think I'm lonely enough? You got the power...just roll the stone away before there's nothing left of me to save." Show me amazing grace, so give me back my love. Don't you think I'm lonely enough?"

Maybe I'll read a book tomorrow...

And now I'm hungry...but for what, I don't know.

Currently Listening The Road to Here By Little Big Town Stay (acoustic) see related

so it's been awhile

I'm sure no one reads this anymore...and if they do they probably are my family. Whatever. I just need to get my thoughts out there and... I can't do this I'm too afraid what people will think.

but I'm never been one to care what others think...in my guise of a personality; isn't that the evil truth. Whatever

"You say life is a question. You feel you yourself are a question mark. But I know who you are, why don't you know? Why are you searching for someone different than the one who fills your shoes? I could tell what I see. I would, you know that. But that's not what you need to hear...to be honest, I don't know what you need to hear. I want to hear why you keeping looking for your shadow, Peter Pan. Don't you realize you are Peter Pan? You don't need the dim outline of what you are, it doesn't always show the true picture anyway. Do you understand? No matter who you turn out being, you always fit with me. If it takes you forever to find yourself, I'm ok with you looking, so long as I always find you in my chair. As much as I hate to not see your face or hear your laugh, distance will not  kill me. As long as when we meet again, I fit in that crook of your neck, I'm good my friend."

Dear Micah,

I saw you today, and I loved it. Your clear eyes smiling wide just for me. Tiny hands grabbing for me and resting your head on my chest. You fit so well;I could keep you there forever. Which I always can. You stay with me wherever I go. You've always made me proud, now I want to make you proud. I hang my head in shame because I know I have acted in ways that I shouldn't. I would hope that you would forgive me as Jesus has. Even though His blood covering me feels that it has run cold, give me another chance. Cause I can't stop loving you, I just can't stop loving you.